Three Golden Words

conflict resolution positive conflict Jul 08, 2022
Dave & Liam at Wimbledon

Three golden words to clear your mind of conflict 

This week I’m going to write about three words that will change your view of conflict (Module 7 - Positive Conflict of the Mindset-College programme)

 

The finest way to tackle any adversity or nastiness that comes your way is to ask a question using one of these words:

I’m CURIOUS. What makes you think that it’s acceptable to speak to me like this?

I’m so INTERESTED in what the story could be that sits behind this nasty comment? 

What FASCINATES me is the thought process that you assumed to come to this conclusion about me? 

 

Not only are these three words powerful as a soft skill that really makes others reflect on what they have said, but they are equally powerful in using for ourselves to clear our minds and put us on a healthy track towards our goals. 

Tennis can provide us with some very healthy metaphors for improving:

  • If you are losing badly and no longer think you can win, then it is important to change your mindset to one of curiosity. Change your outlook away from trying to win, to one of curiosity, and start experimenting to find out what it is you can do to hurt your opponent. Try different things and monitor carefully how a shot or tactic affects your opponent.
  • Jimmy Connors had a wonderful philosophy where he said that he never lost. He only ran out of time before he could figure out the solution to win. 
  • Novak Djokovic said he could beat people before he could because he knew and believed that he would experiment, learn and persevere until he figured out how to beat any opponent.

 

Also listen to the podcast: 

How to turn confrontation into opportunity with 3 golden words

 

 

Both are powerful illustrations of how important it is to have a mindset that is fascinated and interested in experimenting in order to improve and hone skills. 

Curiosity

Curiosity gives you enormous motivation to practise something that can help the next time you play the same person. Any business (mine included) is a never ending fascination of searching for ways to improve and get better. 

There never was a big winner who wasn’t a beginner, an intermediate, or a good player before becoming a great player. Why suddenly do so many players become afraid when they become good? 

Nothing to lose

I contend that when people become good at something; they have something to lose, believe they have a reputation to uphold and subtly shift their mindset to protecting their position from a focus totally interested in improving. 

We can all feel inadequate, especially when we feel we are not good enough, and this fuels a desire to get away from this uncomfortable feeling, so we cave and stop trying. However, if you accept, you will lose and immediately get curious about scouting as much information for next time the whole process of losing becomes productive. 

Regroup

You can only do this if you prepare your mind to regroup when you are losing, if you get dragged into feeling sorry for yourself or frustrated about how things are going. Ideally, you can live in a curious mindset where regrouping is rarely needed. We are all human and can never remain in this place all the time, just as we cannot focus and flow every day to the same level, but managing the way you think about conflict and competition will help. 

 

Three takeaways:

  • No longer measure yourself against metrics that you make up in your head such as rankings, past performance and reputation. Rather, go into any contest curious how well you will do, interested in how the opponents will cope with your talents and fascinated by the magic of not knowing how it will turn out. 
  • You can now become extremely healthy as a competitor who either wins or finds out more about their opponent.
  • Motivating yourself for practice and getting over the disappointment of losing matches becomes a different animal. Losing a match actually galvanises your mind to get out there and improve the areas that you believe will help you beat an opponent the next time. 

Three golden words that give you oxygen and ways to powerfully counter any adversity or conflict. 

 

Learn more at www.mindsetcollege.co.uk/blog

 

Written by 

David Sammel